Broadway: The Musical
by AuronLives
Summary: An insane musical crossover fic. Rated for some language.


            **Once again…Another fic begins!!! I really will finish the other ones, but due to a third or fourth wave of severe Phantom of the Opera obsession (as in, I sleep with the CD on, I carry it around with me everywhere, I listen to it at least twice through every day, I looked it up on the internet, found a bunch of stuff that I already saw, and read it again anyway, and was yay close to getting into a conversation with my annoying Spanish teacher about it…as opposed to, "Oh, Phantom of the Opera is a great show, remember the part when…" if it comes up in a conversation. I have about half the play memorized. Root for me. I have a 12 hour plane ride coming up…I think I can do the rest of it) immediately following an "Into the Woods" obsession, I feel I must write about Broadway stuff, because I LUUURRVVE Broadway as much as I love the flamingo (any questions?…good) Anyway, I should probably shut up now.**

**Erik: You bet**

**Me: shut up, you.**

**Erik: Never say shut up to me again unless you want this fic to encounter a great misfortune**

**Me: Dropping a chandelier on my computer would only be doing me a huge favor.**

**Erik: Damn! Foiled! Ah, well, I'll think of something else. Meanwhile, I think I'll stick to torturing your mindless characters.**

**Me: Whatever. That's what this is about.**

**Erik: Damn!**

**Me: MWAHAHAHA!!!!**

**Erik: Isn't that my line?**

Me: Yes. And I would like to take this opportunity to say I don't own it. Or any of the other musicals appearing in this fic. Suing me would only get me out of school. Go ahead try…just try! Anyway…On with it already!

[A theatre in some unspecified location]

(Leo Bloom and Max Bialystock sit in the cushy velvety chairs in the middle of the empty theatre)

Max: Leo, I…we need some fast cash. But I'm all out of ideas. You wouldn't happen to have any other brilliant schemes hidden up your sleeve, would you?

Leo: Other brilliant schemes?

Max: Yeah. Remember that last one?

Leo: You mean, "Springtime for Hitler?"

Max: Yeah, wasn't that just the greatest?

Leo: Well, I guess if you leave out the thing with the full body casts, and going to jail, and almost getting shot by the author, and having to fuck a retirement home full of little old ladies, oh and the thing with the…

Max: See? A great idea! And now I need another one! Come on Leo! You've got to have something…

Leo: I do have something

Max: And what's that?

Leo: Enough common sense to stay out of your schemes!

Max: Oh, come on, Leo, it would have been fine if…

(However, he is interrupted in mid-sentence by a mysterious voice)

Mysterious voice (singing):

Why so anxious good messieurs?

Did you think that I would leave you dolts alone?

Have you missed me, good messieurs?

I have written you a musical!

Here I bring the finished score-

"The Phantom of the Opera"!

I advise you to comply

And to follow my commands-

Remember, there are worse things

Than little old lady land!

Max: (shivers) There are?

(Leo is too busy pissing himself to say anything)

(As Max says these words, a mysterious black clad figure emerges from behind the stage curtain…it is…Chuckles the Clown!)

Max and Leo: GAAAHHHH!!!

(No, just kidding. It's the Phantom of the Opera)

Max and Leo: Phew.

Phantom: (slightly confused) Wait…um…nevermind. Anyway, follow my orders exactly; you will get your money, and my music will be revealed to the world! But first you need to find a cast. And an orchestra. Oh, and a decent crew wouldn't kill you either. I will be back tomorrow at eight o' clock for the premier. Do not disappoint me! (The Phantom turns to make a dramatic exit, revealing a large pink bow stuck to the back of his cape)

Max: Um, Mr. Psychopathic mutant opera fanatic?

(The Phantom notices the bow. He quickly yanks it off)

Phantom: (Muttering) I knew I shouldn't have taken that shortcut through the costume closet.(To Max and Leo) Not one word…or I'm calling Suck-Me F…

Max: You WOULDN'T!

Phantom: Don't test me. (This time, he manages his grand exit)

(After he's gone, Leo turns to Max)

Leo: You speak French?

Max: This is Broadway! Everyone speaks French!

Leo: Um…Okay.

Max: Leo! This is great! We'll be richer than Donald Trump!

Leo: Isn't he going bankrupt?

Max: Exactly!

Leo. O.o

Max: This is exactly what we've been waiting for!

Leo: No, not exactly. I have slightly higher ambitions than to make easy money while being stalked by a nut case in a mask, thank you!

Max: What, being an accountant?

Leo: I said SLIGHTLY Max. Anyway, we still need a cast. And an orchestra! Where are we going to find enough talented actors to make this Phantom happy by tomorrow night?

Max: Um, hello Leo. This is Broadway. Try next door?

Leo: (looks sheepish)

[Meanwhile]

[Next door]

(The characters of Into the Woods sit around a table playing cards in the middle of the woods set on the stage. The Witch is winning, as usual)

Jack: You're cheating. I know you are!

Little Red Riding Hood: Yeah! She's using her magic powers to make herself win!

Witch: I no longer have my powers. If I did, do you think I'd be sitting around a card table in the middle of the woods with all of you?

All: O.o

Baker: How did the card table get in the middle of the woods anyway?

Jack: It was your fault!

Baker: No it wasn't cause I gave it to my wife!

Witch: (sigh) here we go again.

(The card game proceeds to become an all out brawl)

Narrator: Stand back!

(He does a pile driver on top of the Witch)

Witch: You little…I'll…I'll poke you with my stick!

Narrator: (girly scream)

(Meanwhile, Cinderella dukes it out with the stepsisters)

Cinderella: Take THAT!

Wolf: Oooh, cat fight

Jack: Where? Oh, I've always wanted a kitty. Or a dinosaur…

Cinderella's Prince: People! People! Stop! We have to unite against the common enemy!

Others: The Into the Woods revival cast?

Cinderella's Prince: No! The Giant!

Granny: Where was I?

Steward: You were going to punch me…

Granny: Oh, right (wack)

(All Hell breaks lose once again, as our Monty Python moment comes to a close. Max and Leo take this opportunity to arrive)

Leo: (eyeing the chaos taking place on the stage) I knew this was a bad idea.

Max: Come on! We need the money! And besides, I don't think that phantom guy is your average every day mentally stable Joe. Our lives may be on the line here.

Leo: I wouldn't worry. You should get along with him quite well.


End file.
